Obama Eaten By Cannibals!

Presidential Candidate Barack Obama

Shortly after Barack Obama announced his bid for the Presidency at Springfield, Illinois' historic Old State Capitol Building hundreds of those in attendance rushed the platform and proceeded to eat Mr. Obama. Several dignitaries, and security officers were eaten as well.

"It was an opportunity for Springfield, Illinois to rid itself of its ugly past, but what do the people of this blasted town go and do?", asked Springfield Mayor Tim Lamblin, adding "This will take years to live down".

After waiting in freezing cold temperatures for several hours before the speech grumbling could be heard within the crowd. Police at one point recommended canceling the ceremony after a small fire was set.

"We thought they set the fire to keep warm", said Sangamon County Sheriff Chick Williamson. As it turned out a large boiling cauldron was being filled with various spices, meat tenderizers, and vegetables in preparation for Mr. Obama.

"I don't know how we'll ever live down our cannibal past?", asked local artist Bart BeQue, referring to the Donner Party which originated from Springfield Illinois.

"Why can't we just talk about Abe Lincoln?" was the response from several in the crowd of witnesses to the horrific event.

Time Magazine exposed the dark side of Springfield, Illinois shortly before Mr. Obama made his final speech, but Obama staffers were lured to Springfield in the hopes that the people of Springfield had changed.

"We thought the whole Lincoln motif would work well in middle America. We simply couldn't believe that this type of thing could take place in this day and age. This town hasn't changed at all", Said Obama campaign coordinator George Fish.

"It's probably going to be a long time before we'll be able to get any more federal funding for our new Abe Lincoln Presidential Library" said Avis Wings of nearby Rochester.