The Three Kings - Minus One - Part Two

Photo: The Three Stooges

Disclaimer: All similarities between the characters in this sketch, and anyone living, ever have lived, or other fictional characters is purely coincidental.

Scene Two:

Knight: In the name of the Three Kings I command you to open this door!

Silence

Knight: Boy, go to the door.

Squire: Yes Sire.

Knight: See if it opens.

Squire: Might I try knocking first?

Knight: If you must.

Squire: (Knocking) Is anyone home? Is anyone here?

Silence

Knight: Just try opening the door.

Squire: Yes Sire. Sire, it appears to be locked.

Knight: Locked? Now that's odd.

Squire: Open this door! Open this door!

Knight: We know that you're in there. I command you to open the door!

Door creaks open slowly revealing just an eye.

Mary: Who is it?

Knight: I am the brave Knight RayShoop or west Springfield.

Mary: Who?

Knight: It doesn't matter who I am. The Three Kings demand your audience immediately.

Mary: The Three Kings? Last I heard we had but one King.

King of Canoe: We have traveled far good lady, and wish to speak with Mary, and Joseph.

Mary: Are you a King?

King of Satellite: Good lady, indeed he is, as am I.

Mary: (speaking to the Knight) And you would be the third king?

King of Canoe: Actually he's our guard. The third king was unfortunately indisposed.

King of Satellite: Good lady please tell us where Mary, and Joseph live.

Mary: Well it all depends upon why you need to speak to them.

King of Canoe: We mean them no harm. We wish only to pay homage to the baby Jesus.

Mary: The baby Jesus?

King of Satellite: Yes, do you know of him? We have traveled a very great distance!

Mary: I know of no baby Jesus, but I do know of Mary, and Joseph.

King of Canoe: Now we're getting somewhere. Just point us in the right direction then.

Mary: You need travel no further, for I am the Mary you seek.

King of Satellite: Splendid! And the baby Jesus?

Mary: Our daughter Jesus is no longer a baby. She was born twelve years ago.

King of Satellite: A twelve year old daughter, how very special indeed!

King of Canoe: Don't forget why we are here King Satellite!

King of Satellite: I meant nothing by it King Canoe.

King Canoe: I know you all too well King Satellite, but let the good lady continue.

Mary: I'm afraid you have reached us at a particularly bad time.

King of Canoe: Bad time?

Mary: Pardon me King Canoe, but your face seems familiar.

King of Canoe: I'm not quite sure what you're getting at.

Mary: Yes, now I remember, you're from these parts - just a few miles west of here!

King of Canoe: I assure you my lady we have traveled a great distance.

King of Satellite: Yes, a very great distance, and all this talk is tiring. Now where is Jesus?

Mary: I'm afraid I can't let you in. Jesus isn't feeling well.

King of Canoe: We won't stay long, we just want to bestow some gifts upon the child.

King of Satellite: Yes, upon the child.

Mary: Gifts?

King of Canoe: Yes, I have a jar of Sarcasm Balm mixed with oils of Witty Remarks to offer.

King of Satellite: And I have a box filled with Smug Superiority incense for the Christ child.

Mary: What kind of gifts are those? Please now, leave!

King of Canoe: You must let us speak to Jesus! Where is the man of the house?

Mary: Joseph?

King of Satellite: Yes, where is Joseph. He's bound to have more sense than you.

Mary: As I have said now is not a good time.

King of Canoe: Please explain. I am not used to being denied what I want.

Mary: He's gone mad! He's been drinking like a fish, and well, he's lost his mind.

- Mary Breaks Down In Tears -

King of Satellite: Joseph, or Jesus?

Mary: Jesus is our daughter. Joseph, my husband has run off threatening to do himself in.

King of Canoe: Do himself in?

Mary: Yes, and sweet Jesus is very concerned. She has threatened to do herself in too.

King of Satellite: But we have traveled very far, and have our sacred gifts to bestow.

King of Canoe: Maybe perhaps we could speak to the child?

King of Satellite: Yes, perhaps you could show me to her bedroom.

King of Canoe: Now that is simply enough. First my daughter, now Jesus?

King of Satellite: I meant no harm! I only seek a youthful bride.

Mary: Her arm has a slash mark from the wound she put upon herself. I think you should go.

King of Canoe: This has been one big waste of time. Let us go now.

King of Satellite: And I traveled so far. Perhaps then one of your daughters King Canoe?

King of Canoe: Just shut up.

End Scene Two